The Fickleness of Us

We like to think of ourselves as whole.

Defined by our values. Guided by our convictions. Certain about what we love, what we dislike, what we will tolerate and what we will never become.

Yet life has a rather persistent way of reminding us that we are not as settled as we think.

We are being rearranged every day.

A little by what happens to us. A little by what does not happen. By the people we meet, the things we lose, the things we learn and sometimes by the things we survive.

Our lives unravel quietly, and in the process, so do parts of us.

This may be why the human person is so fragile.

Not because we are weak, but because we are permeable.

Things get into us.

Words. Experiences. Love. Disappointment. Hope. Fear. Time.

And what gets into us can change what comes out of us.

That is the strange constitution of man.

We can love something deeply today and question its place in our lives tomorrow. We can be certain today and uncertain tomorrow. We can hold something dear for years and one day discover that our hands no longer reach for it.

We are fickle.

And perhaps that is one of the least flattering truths about us.

But fickleness is not the same as freedom.

To change is human.

To change without examining what is changing within us is another matter.

Not every turn is growth.

Some turns are wisdom.

Some are wounds.

Some are fear dressed up as clarity.

Some are simply the consequence of becoming someone we did not know we were becoming.

So, does our fickleness excuse our inconsistencies?

No.

But perhaps it should make us more honest about the work required to become.

Because if we are capable of changing so easily, then we must also become capable of examining the direction of our change.

What is this season making of me?

What am I losing that I should keep?

What am I keeping that I should release?

What in me is changing because I am growing, and what is changing because I am merely hurting?

Perhaps becoming is not about arriving at a version of ourselves that never changes.

Perhaps it is about becoming sufficiently aware to know which changes are taking us towards ourselves and which are taking us away from ourselves.

We will unravel.

Life will see to that.

The work is in learning how to gather the threads.

To find alignment between who we say we are, what we believe, what we do and who we are becoming.

Because the goal is not to become less human.

It is to become more whole within our humanity.

And perhaps the best of us is not the person who never changes.

It is the person who keeps asking,

“Is this change making me better?”

Then has the courage to answer honestly.