The People v. "I'll Call You Back"
Court Clerk:
"All rise!"
"The Honourable Justice Common Sense presiding."
Judge:
"Be seated."
"Bailiff, are the phones secured?"
Bailiff:
"Yes, My Lord."
"Except for the Defence Counsel. He claims he needs his
phone for legal research."
Judge:
"That is precisely what people say before checking
WhatsApp during proceedings."
"Confiscate it."
Court Clerk:
"Case No. 008. The People versus 'I'll Call You
Back.'"
"Charge: Making a fraudulent promise of imminent
communication, aggravated telephone avoidance, and disappearance following a
voluntarily assumed obligation to return a call."
Prosecutor:
"Ready for the People, My Lord."
Counsel:
"Ready for the Defence, My Lord."
Judge:
"Bring in the accused."
The accused enters the courtroom carrying a mobile phone.
The gallery immediately begins murmuring.
One man whispers:
"That is the phone he used to say it."
The Judge bangs his gavel.
"Order."
The Case for the Prosecution
Prosecutor:
"My Lord, this case is remarkably simple."
"On Tuesday at 6:47 PM, the victim called the
accused."
"Missed call."
"At 6:51 PM, the accused returned the call."
"The conversation lasted exactly one minute and eleven
seconds."
The Prosecutor pauses.
"At 6:52 PM, the accused said the words that bring us
here today."
The Court Clerk reads from the transcript:
"I am actually in the middle of something. I'll call
you back."
Prosecutor:
"My Lord, the People accepted this statement in good
faith."
"Seven minutes passed."
"Nothing."
"Thirty minutes."
"Nothing."
"One hour."
"Still nothing."
"Midnight arrived."
"Still nothing."
"Wednesday came."
"Nothing."
"Thursday."
"Nothing."
"Friday morning..."
The Prosecutor turns towards the accused.
"Still nothing."
The gallery erupts.
Judge:
"Order!"
Exhibit A
The Prosecutor holds up the accused's call log.
"Between Tuesday evening and Friday morning, the
accused made fourteen telephone calls."
The Judge raises an eyebrow.
"Fourteen?"
"Yes, My Lord."
"To whom?"
"Various people."
"Family. Friends. One colleague. And, according to the
records, a restaurant."
The gallery bursts into laughter.
Prosecutor:
"Yet the one person he explicitly promised to call
back..."
"Received nothing."
The Defence
Counsel:
"My Lord, the prosecution is attempting to criminalise
a perfectly ordinary phrase."
"'I'll call you back' is not a contract."
"It is a conversational courtesy."
The Judge looks unimpressed.
Counsel:
"Furthermore, the Defence submits the Statute of
Phone Call Limitations."
The gallery leans forward.
"Under this long-established principle, any promise to
return a call made after 8:00 PM automatically expires at midnight."
The Judge stares at him.
"Counsel..."
"Yes, My Lord?"
"Did you just invent that statute?"
"Not entirely, My Lord."
"Who enacted it?"
"Society."
The gallery erupts.
The Judge waits.
"Proceed."
The Witness
The Victim takes the stand.
Prosecutor:
"When the accused said, 'I'll call you back,' what did
you understand that to mean?"
The Victim:
"That he would call me back."
"Approximately when?"
"I assumed that evening."
"And when he did not?"
"I thought perhaps he got busy."
"And the next day?"
"I thought perhaps he forgot."
"And by Friday?"
The Victim sighs.
"By Friday, My Lord, I had accepted that I was
apparently living in a different time zone."
The gallery laughs.
Cross-Examination
Counsel:
"Would you agree that the accused may genuinely have
intended to call?"
"Yes."
"Would you agree that circumstances can change?"
"Yes."
"Then is it not possible that my client simply became
busy?"
"Possibly."
"Then what is the problem?"
The Victim looks at the Defence Counsel.
"The problem is not that he got busy."
"The problem is that he never came back."
Silence settles over the courtroom.
The Judge nods slowly.
The Judgment
Justice Common Sense leans back.
"The Court has considered the evidence."
"Let it first be established that saying 'I'll call you
back' is not a criminal offence."
"People get busy. Plans change. Conversations slip the
mind."
"However..."
The Judge looks directly at the accused.
"When you voluntarily create an expectation, you assume
a small responsibility for it."
"You do not owe everyone immediate access to you."
"But if you cannot keep the promise, you can keep the
relationship."
"Send a message."
"I got caught up. I will call tomorrow."
"That takes twelve seconds."
The Judge turns to the Defence.
"And Counsel..."
"There is no Statute of Phone Call Limitations."
Counsel:
"Not yet, My Lord."
The gallery laughs.
The Judge ignores him.
"The accused, 'I'll Call You Back,' is found..."
GUILTY of Unfulfilled Telephone Promises and
Aggravated Disappearance.
Sentence is hereby passed:
The accused shall make the outstanding call within
twenty-four hours.
Furthermore, any citizen who says 'I'll call you back'
and subsequently disappears for more than forty-eight hours shall be required
to replace the phrase with the more legally accurate:
"I would like to call you back, but I cannot promise
when."
The Judge raises his gavel.
"Honesty is a much shorter conversation."
Bang.
The Principle of the Court:
"A promise does not become meaningless simply because
it was spoken casually."
"Sometimes, keeping your word is nothing more than
remembering to return the call."
Court is adjourned.
Next Week Before This Honourable Court...
Case No. 009: The People v. "I'm Almost
There."
The prosecution alleges that the accused was still in the
shower when they sent the message claiming to be five minutes away.
The Defence intends to argue that "almost" is a
philosophical concept and that geographical proximity is a matter of personal
interpretation.
The Court will determine exactly how far away a person may
be while legally claiming to be "almost there."
Proceedings continue next week.
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