Court is Now in Session_Case009

The People v. "I'm Almost There"

Court Clerk:

"All rise!"

"The Honourable Justice Common Sense presiding."

Judge:

"Be seated."

"Bailiff, please inspect the gallery."

"Why are there twelve people wearing running shoes?"

Bailiff:

"They say they are preparing for the prosecution, My Lord."

"Apparently, nobody trusts the accused to arrive on time."

Judge:

"Fair enough."

"Proceed."

Court Clerk:

"Case No. 009. The People versus 'I'm Almost There.'"

"Charge: Fraudulent representation of geographical proximity, reckless manipulation of waiting persons, and repeated abuse of the phrase 'five minutes away.'"

Prosecutor:

"Ready for the People, My Lord."

Counsel:

"Ready for the Defence."

Judge:

"Bring in the accused."

The accused enters the courtroom.

Prosecutor:

"My Lord, where exactly is the accused coming from?"

Accused:

"I'm almost there."

The courtroom goes silent.

The Judge closes his eyes.

"That answer will be entered into evidence."

The Case for the Prosecution

Prosecutor:

"My Lord, the People intend to establish that 'I'm almost there' is not a statement of fact."

"It is a work of fiction."

The Court Clerk projects the first piece of evidence.

TEXT MESSAGE

9:02 AM:
"I'm almost there."

Prosecutor:

"At 9:02 AM, the victim was standing outside the agreed location."

"At 9:15 AM, the accused had not arrived."

"At 9:27 AM, another message was received."

"Five minutes."

The gallery groans.

Prosecutor:

"At 9:41 AM..."

"Traffic is crazy."

"At 9:58 AM..."

"Where exactly are you guys?"

The Judge looks up.

"Wait."

"The accused was asking them where they were?"

"Yes, My Lord."

The gallery erupts.

Judge:

"Order!"

Exhibit A: The Towels on the Bed Injunction

Prosecutor:

"The People submit Exhibit A."

A photograph appears on the courtroom screen.

A bedroom.

A towel lies on the bed.

A shirt is hanging from a chair.

One shoe is beside the door.

The other is nowhere to be found.

The gallery gasps.

Prosecutor:

"Google Maps location history places the accused at home when the first message was sent."

The Judge looks at the Defence.

"Counsel?"

Counsel:

"My Lord, my client was mentally on the road."

The Judge stares at him.

"Mentally?"

"Yes, My Lord."

"He had begun the journey spiritually."

The Defence

Counsel:

"My Lord, the prosecution is being unnecessarily literal."

"The phrase 'almost there' is subjective."

"Time is relative."

"Distance is relative."

"And, as quantum mechanics teaches us, particles can exist in multiple states simultaneously."

The gallery murmurs.

Counsel:

"My client was therefore both at home and almost at the destination."

The Judge slowly removes his glasses.

"Counsel, this is a punctuality case."

"Not a physics conference."

Counsel:

"With respect, My Lord, punctuality is itself a matter of perspective."

The Judge bangs his gavel.

"Do not make me cite you for contempt of mathematics."

The Traffic Motion

Prosecutor:

"The Defence may attempt to rely on Lagos traffic."

"I move that the phrase 'Lagos traffic is crazy' be inadmissible where the accused was still in a bathrobe when the message was sent."

Judge:

"Motion granted."

The gallery applauds.

Judge:

"And for the avoidance of doubt, traffic begins when you enter traffic."

"Not when you imagine traffic."

The Witness

The Victim takes the stand.

Prosecutor:

"When the accused said 'five minutes away,' what did you understand?"

Victim:

"That I had five minutes left to wait."

"And how long did you actually wait?"

"Forty-three minutes."

The Prosecutor nods.

"And when the accused finally arrived?"

The Victim sighs.

"He said, 'Sorry, I thought I was closer.'"

The gallery groans.

Judge:

"That statement has been heard by this Court far too many times."

The Judgment

Justice Common Sense leans forward.

"The Court accepts that traffic happens."

"Keys disappear."

"Elevators take too long."

"Directions fail."

"Life happens."

"But the Court must distinguish between actual proximity and aspirational proximity."

"Actual proximity means you are close."

"Aspirational proximity means you have every intention of becoming close."

The gallery laughs.

"Unfortunately, the accused has repeatedly presented aspiration as fact."

The Judge looks directly at the defendant.

"If you are still looking for your keys, say so."

"If you are entering the shower, say so."

"If you have not left the house, do not tell someone you are five minutes away."

"Honesty may make you late."

"But lying about your location makes someone else late too."

The Judge raises his gavel.

"The accused, 'I'm Almost There,' is found..."

GUILTY of Aggravated Aspirational Proximity.

Sentence is hereby passed:

The accused is prohibited from using the phrase 'five minutes away' unless Google Maps confirms an estimated arrival time of five minutes or less.

Furthermore, anyone caught saying 'I'm almost there' while still at home shall be required to send a photographic proof-of-departure."

The Judge pauses.

"Bathroom selfies will not be accepted."

Bang.

The Principle of the Court:

"Do not give someone a distance when all you have is an intention."

"Being late is forgivable."

"Making someone wait inside a lie is not."

Court is adjourned.

Next Week Before This Honourable Court...

Case No. 010: The People v. "Let's Catch Up Soon."

The prosecution alleges that the accused has been saying this sentence since 2019 without ever proposing a date, time or location.

The Defence intends to argue that "soon" is an elastic concept and that several social relationships have survived entirely on its continued ambiguity.

The Court will determine whether "Let's Catch Up Soon" constitutes a genuine invitation, a polite farewell, or the longest-running unpaid subscription in modern friendship.

Proceedings continue next week.