Court is Now in Session

Case No. 001

The People v. The Status Picture

Court Clerk:

"All rise!"

"This Honourable Court is now in session. The Honourable Justice Common Sense presiding."

 

Judge:

"Be seated."

"Call the first matter."

 

Court Clerk:

"Case No. 001."

The People versus The Status Picture.

Charge: Causing emotional instability while maintaining complete innocence.

 

Judge:

"Appearances?"

 

Prosecutor:

"Ready for the People, My Lord."

 

Counsel:

"Ready for the Defence, My Lord... although my client has requested that I speak only when absolutely necessary."

 

Judge:

"Bring in the accused."

 

Court Clerk:

"The accused, Mr. Everyman."

 

Judge:

"How do you plead?"

 

Accused:

"Not guilty, My Lord."

"I merely opened WhatsApp."

 

A quiet murmur sweeps through the courtroom.

The Judge nods.

"Proceed."

 

Prosecutor:

"My Lord, the People seek leave to tender Exhibit A."

 

The courtroom falls silent.

The Court Clerk approaches the Bench wearing white gloves, carrying a mobile phone with all the gravity of someone transporting state secrets.

"My Lord..."

"Exhibit A."

"A status picture."

"No caption."

"No explanation."

"Just confidence."

 

The Judge adjusts his glasses.

He studies the exhibit.

Once.

Twice.

A third time.

Then quietly rises.

"The Court shall retire briefly to examine the evidence in chambers."

 

Twenty-three minutes later...

The Judge returns.

His wig is slightly crooked.

His tie has mysteriously shifted.

He clears his throat.

"The Court confirms that Exhibit A possesses... considerable evidential value."

 

Prosecutor:

"My Lord, CCTV confirms that the accused hovered over the ❤️ reaction for approximately nine seconds."

"We also have evidence that he typed, deleted, typed again and eventually closed the application."

 

Counsel:

"Objection."

"My client was merely testing the responsiveness of his touchscreen."

 

Judge:

"Sustained."

"The touchscreen shall not be called as a witness."

 

Prosecutor:

"The People call the Heart."

 

The Heart walks into the witness box.

 

Court Clerk:

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

 

Heart:

"I will try."

 

Prosecutor:

"What was your immediate reaction upon viewing Exhibit A?"

 

Heart:

"I said, 'Omo... this person fine.'"

 

A ripple of laughter spreads through the gallery.

 

Prosecutor:

"And what did the Brain say?"

 

Heart:

"The Brain instructed everyone to maintain steeze."

 

Prosecutor:

"Did you obey?"

 

The Heart lowers its gaze.

"My Lord..."

"I complied externally."

"Internally..."

"...I had already pants."

The courtroom erupts.

Even the stenographer stops typing.

 

Judge:

"Order!"

"Order in Court!"

 

Silence gradually returns.

The Judge removes his glasses and looks directly at the accused.

"Do you have anything further to say before judgment?"

 

The accused stands.

Straightens his jacket.

"Yes, My Lord."

"I respectfully submit that admiration is not a crime."

"I also submit that some status pictures arrive with the force of unforeseen circumstances."

"I therefore ask this Honourable Court to show mercy whenever Exhibit B is eventually posted."

 

The Judge smiles.

He reaches for his gavel.

Judgment

Having examined Exhibit A and considered the testimony of the Heart, this Court finds that the accused exercised commendable restraint.

The charge of Excessive Public Admiration is hereby dismissed.

The lesser charge of Attempting to Maintain Steeze is entered into the record.

The Court further observes that beauty does not compel reaction, but it occasionally explains silence.

Finally, this Court advises all citizens that some notifications should be opened only after ensuring emotional stability.

Court is adjourned.

Bang.

 

Next Week: Case No. 002
The People v. "Seen 11:48 PM"